Welcome to part 3 of my Saturn Return series. These letters are an invitation for you to get to know me and my story better. The letters are also meant to entice you to reflect on your own Saturn Return. For me my Saturn Return was a rite of passage, what was it like for you?
One of the great books that I am reading and moving through slowly is 'The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership'. I am interested in this book because leadership to me is firstly practiced on a personal level before even beginning to face the world and lead others.
The first chapter in the book is on Radical Responsibility, which is really about the basic notion that we take full responsibility for our behaviour, circumstances, feelings, healing, and being in the world with integrity and real authenticity (can I call it this? I'm currently seeing social media saturated with manufactured authenticity if that's a thing…). Radical responsibility is also about being curious and wanting to learn from difficult situations instead of casting blame, shame and guilt. Finally, and this is the hardest aspect for me, it also means to be 'open to the possibility that instead of controlling and changing the world, perhaps the world is just right the way it is'. This means, learning from the world as it is, being curious about how it shows up, and not forcing the world to be in a certain way (apply this to people, situations, politics etc.). As you have probably gathered, radical responsibility is a glorious continuous practice.
In 2018, I began to take responsibility of what was within my realm of control; with difficulty, I ended some friendships that didn't fill me up, I became more conscious of what I put in my body, and spent my time and money on - read more about that in Part 2. But besides the huge amounts of changes I integrated, something absolutely life changing happened that also encouraged my pursuit of radical responsibility.
One average Wednesday I walked into a quirky little cafe called the Black Cat, and sat waiting for yet another Tinder date to arrive. The difference though, unbeknownst to me at the time, was that this time around it was my life partner I was waiting for.
When Andrew walked through the door and our conversation started, I was immediately so curious about him and his life. Almost straight off the bat we discussed the meaning of life and what we each wanted from our lives. Bingo! Major green flag in my book! Quickly my eyes were opened to the emotional vulnerability and depth that comes when the coupled dynamic is mature and wow, it was a total game changer.
But what most stands out to me from this period of my life, and our lived life together, is that I met a man capable of seeing me and my flaws, while being able to hold space for me and develop with me. When walking through the fire of a rite of passage it helps smooth the way when you surround yourself with beautiful souls, who are also conscious of their own journey. After a few years on my own, meeting someone who I could comfortably soundboard my thoughts, curiosities, fears and longings with really bolstered me. Andrew, from the get-go, wanted to talk about the deep, wacky and weird, he didn't shy away from the hard stuff, and never gave me an odd look for not using shampoo - actually he supported and encouraged my alternative choices. Besides, Andrew introduced me to a nuanced and multifaceted world that I probably never would have opened up to if it wasn't for him, for example, one of our early dates together was a full day eye-gazing workshop (incredible experience btw). He played around with holotropic breathwork and Wim Hof before this stuff had even hit my mainstream radar. Now five years later, despite our lives looking quite different, we still dabble in oddities here and there, like this book we recently finished reading aloud to each other.
Where am I going with this? Well part of my Saturn Return journey was meeting Andrew and our lives intertwining. In all the ways I can think of, I know that Andrew has helped me be myself by always meeting me without judgement or shame. From age 27-30 my values, thoughts and ideas shifted from the confinement of the mainstream to the liberation of all that which exists outside the mainstream - freedom in many forms. My inner rumblings of how I really wanted to live: with more intention, purpose and reverence for myself and the planet seeped into (almost) all aspects of my life. Except for one important part, which is how I came to the moment where Andrew motivated me to get off the pill because, as he said, it just didn't align with everything else I was doing. And he was right. I had unquestioningly been on hormonal contraception for 12+ years but I was getting to a point where I wasn't comfortable filling my body with synthetic hormones. On top of this, not being in contact with my cycle felt downright weird. I was an adult woman and I had NO IDEA about what my natural cycle was like… But I was also terrified of an unwanted pregnancy. It took six months of consideration and building up courage before I threw away the pill and thankfully fell into the enormous rabbit hole of body literacy, fertility awareness, hormone health and cycle tracking. In that moment I decided to take radical responsibility of my cyclical health and fertility without really knowing what it meant, but just that there must be something better on the other side. And there was! In the unlearning and educational process of familiarising myself with my cycle, I uncovered the hidden power in deeply knowing myself as a woman, and I was also confronted with just how whacked, manipulative and oppressive the pharmaceutical and medical industry is. I now understand that informed consent, hardly ever exist within the medical paradigm.
Interestingly, I didn’t realise that all the unlearning I had been doing in the lead up to getting off the pill, also were hormone supporting initiatives. Getting rid of the endocrine disrupters that are found in mainstream plastics, shampoos, sunscreens, make-up and menstrual products have not only made a difference in the way I consume but has had a positive affect on my hormones and fertility.
Is there any better way to be initiated into what I would call my adult womanhood, than finally reconnecting with my cycle, femininity and power?
Is there anything sweeter than knowing my body better than ever because I am now able to listen to its needs and rhythms, identify ovulation, and understand my fertility?
Is there anything more powerful than having learnt cyclic frameworks that help me navigate the confines and abundance of this life?
This Saturn Return transformed me into the woman I am today. I feel like I stand with stronger boundaries, more rooted in my intuition and knowing than I did before. I made it out to the other side more resilient and empowered. By becoming just slightly more crunchy, by asking a few more questions, I have been able to get to know myself, and tap into parts of myself, that are today essential to my being. And in the process I started taking responsibility for my life in a way I hadn't thought was possible. My Saturn Return was the stepping stone to some of my proudest moments: going on a conscious conception journey where my son was called into being, choosing a wild pregnancy and to freebirth my first baby. For some, these choices would be scary, but they were simply the most logical and safe choices for me and my body after the work I had been doing in the years leading up to making the decisions. Same goes for my choice in remaining unvaccinated during the-you-know-what, whilst respecting other peoples reasoning to vaccinate. To keep in mind and remember that I can take responsibility for my stuff but that the world just is, it’s not my place to condemn, control or change xyz, but instead be curious and learn from what is.
Now, over to you:
Is there a specific moment in your life, that stands out to you? Who was the most important person in your life at this time?
What was the last rite of passage you experienced and how was it marked, honoured or acknowledged? Or not at all?
Where, or with who, do you feel most yourself?
If you could give your past self a piece of advice what would it be?
How do you take radical responsibility in your life?
Tasmania, Christmas 2019
With Love,
Cecilie
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Thanks for reading along. From here on the newsletter will continue to be published bi-weekly but on a variety of topics within the realm of FAM, MCA, radical responsibility, nature, freedom and cyclical living.